My Fiance has AS And I am NT.

We have a long distance relationship but see each other in person occasionally. We've been engaged for a year now. I am 37 and he is 46. There are some things he does I don't understand yet. Sometimes he does things to upset me but he does not mean to. I get hurt easy. But I think I shouldn't have hurt feelings because he doesn't do things to hurt me on purpose. So sometimes I think I should be more understanding of him because he has AS and not take it personally. Or is that a bad idea? Woulkd that give him an excuse to do things I don't like that hurt my feelings? This is all so new to me! We get along great most of the time. After all, we are engaged and really do love each other. I want to learn more on how to live and love him with his AS. :)

[Updated on 7/18/2010 6:54 PM]
  • Hello, Kitty :)

    It's a hard thing to not get upset. Even though we know our aspie's don't mean to hurt us, that doesn't keep us from being human. I have to admit that knowing they don't mean it makes a difference. I've just gotten to where I don't let what he does affect me as much as it used to. On most days, I'm able to convince myself that my husband doesn't mean to hurt me when he does. It takes time and lots of patience.
  • I was just thinking how it will be like when we are finally married and living together. Yesterday I was talking about my lace curtains I have to put up when we get our own place together but he said he has drapes and doesn't like to let the sun in. But I do, I love sunlight in a room.

    He hates the sound of fans or air conditioners too but I love the sound at night it helps me to sleep but not him, he can't sleep with noise. It was hard when he came to visit because I live near a busy street and had the patio doors and windows open at night to let the air in, it was a hot humid night. But the traffic bothered him so much I had to shut everything again and it was even hotter but he didn't want the fan or AC on. I'm imagineing how it will be with him wanting me to always do everything to make him comfy while I sacrifice my comfort for him.

    He says he will compromise when we are together, but if he don't want to compromise now I'm not sure he will later in oure own place together. I love him so much I want to do things to make him feel at ease. It is ok on his few visits we have which are not many seeing he lives 500 miles away from me out of state. But to have to live in total darkness and silence in the house would be depressing. Not to mention no fans or AC on. (However he complains he hates being hot....Go Figure lol)

    And also he hates the sound of comercials on tv so much he mutes the TV till the show comes back on and I miss hearing the comercials. I know a lot of people hate comercials but I like to see AND hear the new products and things. But not when my fiance is watching TV with me. Ugggh. He says it is too much talking and too much music and plus too many grapics to see and so he can't take it all in during the comercial times so he mutes them.

    What ways have you compromised with your Aspie mate, if they are like my fiance in this matter? Any ideas for me?

    [Updated on 8/8/2010 10:17 AM]
  • Your letter came up on my e-mails. I no longer look at this site normally, but felt that I wanted to respond to you.
    Marriage to Aspies is miserable. It is not a proper relationship. Notice how rarely he looks at you. All other people are there to make them happier. They have no empathy. He will not supply satisfaction for any of your needs----name what you will---it is about what you can do for him;,how good you make him look/ sound.
    If you have children, there is about a 50/50 chance of them being like him. You are then surrounded by people that think you were put on this earth just to make them look good.
    Children can lead to grand children, I have great grandchildren. I live with the guilt that if I hadn't produced my daughter,huge amounts of misery would never have happened.
    I know you haven't asked for my opinion, but please, it is a well informed and experienced one . GET OUT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SAME ADVICE TO ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Neuro norms will never live a happy or normal life with an Aspie-------and neither will they!
    THEY ARE HAPPIER ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Yes my husband is always nagging me about fans, airconditioning & heating.He will never agree with me if it's cold, hot whatever. But yes he will put them on for his own use, but he prefers a radiator which he will leave on all night! He also will not watch commercials he changes the channels all the time to avoid them, which I find paranoing cos i can't relax into watching the program with him. So I sit in a different room with my TV, & he has his precious TV to which he is addicted. Then he comes in & says why wont you watch TV with me.Hmmm.
    And curtains have become an issue too.Opened or closed we both always seem to want the opposite to each other. I wanted some lace too but no, I can only do that in my room.
    My life is one big compromise, if I don't do what he wants the world will come to an end. This leads to arguements cos the only way to get something your way will be to go on & on & on about it like he does.
    So whatever your man does now won't change, I think he means you will have to compromise so good luck cos you will need it. Tired wife above is right too. I guess it depends just how aspie your aspie is & how much you match him. If it's a case of opposites attract you will always be just that, opposites. Good luck cos I'm guessing nothing will put you off
  • Uggh I came to ask advice, good advice. I sure thank you for your oppinion on Aspies but no, NO WAY am I going to "Get Out" now or ever. I love my fiance more than I ever loved anyone in my life! He is not happier alone I can guarentee you that fact. Yes compromising on one side too much is hard I imagine. I'm looking for a pretty good balance if I can. I don't feel we are opposites however in so many ways we are alike, so much so that we call each other our Soul Mates. Yes you are right in saying "nothing will put you off" Nothing will. Thanks for your side of the stories. Good luck to you too in life.
  • I have to give my hubby at least an hour to settle down after he gets home from work. It's hard on the days that I'm beat and really need a break.

    I also have to deal with him not being sympathetic to what I need at the time I need it. He usually argues about it and by the time he sees my point, I no longer have the need. (make sense?).

    That's a good start for me.
  • I so feel you, tired wife.

    My husband fits your description to a tee. After being with him for 7 years, we've found a peaceful medium.

    Don't be discouraged, Kitty. If you love him, that's good enough. As long as your love for him is stronger than what you feel you need in a relationship, the marriage will work.

    Not to be a bearer of bad news, but there WILL be days when you feel like tired wife. I feel that way quite a bit, but as of yet, I haven't felt "bad enough" to abandon the relationship. Besides, my son is Aspie and he's not like my husband. He has totally different "issues" and watching the way my husband treats me is really teaching my aspie son how "not" to treat women.

    does that make sense, Kitty??
  • I find I have to pay close attention to what my fiance is communicating because he gets very frustrated and impatient if there is a mis-communication. He gets defensive and abrupt about things. Is it annoying to apologize and try to explain why I got it wrong?
  • I guess I missed jaynee`s response on this thread.I just read it,and you got me started laughing again.No offense to anyone,it just reminds me so much my me and my husband.
  • I just started to laugh when I rememberd our fight over having the curtains open or not and agreeing to watching something we both like.If i`m cold,and the sun is shining,I want the curtains open so i can feel the sun,and he wants the curtain closed.I can`t sit through another John Wayne movie for the 2,000 time.We rarely ever can find anything we both want to watch on TV.
  • Write down the issues that you need to sort out and talk them through with him one at a time. For each of you certain things will be negotiable and others non negotiable. Like for my friend who has her eyebrows shaped at a salon and has done for 6 months. When her aspi husband found out she was spending money on that he hit the roof but she stood her ground and said,"This is NOT NEGOTIABLE". My husband hates mess-sorry but with 6 kids in the house-4 of them asd and no help that's the way it is-so he has his studioout the back. (Your man can have a room),that is tidy and in order, His part of the bedroom that is neat and sweet and his end of the table which is always clear for him to sit at cos he just pushes it all in front to the other end Lol. You can get quiet ventilating systems. The other point is that when he comes to visit you would be together all the time because that's the point of the visit but living together there'l be lots of times when he's out and you're in and vice versa . I understand completely about needing light and bright but also understand his want of dark. I can't bear to have even a little crack of light thru the window in the morning till im ready and up. It just blares straight into me and hurts. ONce im up I can open them a little and then when im good and up and ready man I gotta have that light. You should be able to have your lace curtains cos once he's pulled the drapes over them they can't be seen anyway and they do mute the direct light.
    If there's things he does that upset you tell him that they do and why. I'm sure he wants to know. Waiting till your together to make the changes aint such a good idea. Cos good intentions dont always make things happen. When you talk about things work out what you can do about them and try them. Even if your'e aren't together both can try certain things that might make the other happy. As for TV. Having another in a different room is good if you really want a good ad fix and for times when you want to watch something together-lay out the rules-like-if you stay on one channel i'l let you mute the adds. Maybe worth it for a snuggle and if he'l get up to make a cuppa you can sneak a quick add in Haha.
    Also maybe explain that how you live affects the way you are. You're a bright and bubbly lovely girl and that's the way he loves you but living in a dark and stuffy environment is going to make for a dark and stuffy wife. Lay it all out and work on one thing at a time. Send him aletter so he has it out in front of him . You'll be ok. Some A.S guys are pains in the bum, but I can tell you from experience that there are plenty of NT's who are way worse.
    Go for it Kitty.
  • Ridem cowboy... haha Tina
  • Should I pursue a relationship when my boyfriend withdraws and doubts his ability to work things out? Would it be better to let him make an overture to try again, or let him go his way in isolation and solitude? I don't want to scare him off for good, but I want him to know that I want to stick with it. I KNOW he loves me and we share so many interests and laugh all the time when things are good. It's a fairly new relationship. Help. I love this guy!
  • I don`t like the curtains open if i`m not ready to greet people either.If my house is trashed I don`t want the curtains opn.When it`s warm,i`m motivated to get up and get moving.Get ready and clean up the house,and open the curtains.Were talking in the afternoon,he closes the curtain..We have 2 TVs.He thibk we need to watch TV together.Trouble is,we can`t agree on much.He will come upstairs and watch what i`m watching,but it is clear,he isn`t interested in the show.I hate watching with someone that isn`t interested in the show.He talks through it.Wants something else,which is why he is there is the first place.
  • alanewolf it would be great if you keep trying with him if you love him. Give him a chance to come around.