I feel trapped and simply want to give up

Hi everyone

I am new to this group and so happy to have found it. 

With my husband we've been married since 2000 and only 15 years in our marriage did I find out he had Asperger. Two years ago when that happened, I revisited all of our history and, like a puzzle, all pieces started to fall into place. All the past pain, hurt, anger and frustration, all of it made sense.  We have a daughter, 12 years old who  is very attached to him and he is now retired and spends most of his time working on his math problem. He has a PhD in math and is obsessed with history. 

 

In all of this, I feel that our lives are just 2 parallels that don't meet. And while I have a rather successful professional life, I am so miserable, so sad and so so lonely. Of late I've started having some health issues related to normal aging and when I project myself in the future with him, I panic and just cry and cry. I have the impression that I am just cut off from this fountain of life that had given me strength and beauty i n the past. Yesterday afternoon I found out he fell back to his addiction of smoking and we had a "bad" exchange which has stirred all this resentment and deep loneliness.  I just want to leave, I don't want him in my life but feel so, so stuck.  I am writing as I have read some of the letters in this circle and feel that there are other people out there with whom to share. Now the issue for me is that I don't even want to make the effort as I am no longer sure I am committed or interested in having this relationship. I feel hurt, sad, very trapped and most of all confused. 

Thank you all for your support and for hearing me out. 

  • Before you give up entirely, I urge you to read the book _Primal Loss_ by Leila Miller. And have your husband read it too. In fact, read it as a family.

    You have a 12 year old daughter who WILL be harmed. This isn't about his happiness. This isn't about your happiness. This is about the functionality of the next seven generations of your family.

    Marriage isn't about love, it isn't about happiness, loneliness will happen from time to time. But for him, from Asperger's point of view, marriage is about honor, duty, and commitment. Point out to him the large amount of objective evidence of the harm that smoking causes. Help him to see that his daughter needs him now more than ever, as she transitions into womanhood.

    www.amazon.com/.../0997989319
  • In reply to Theodore M. Seeber:

    Thank you Theordore... I'll read the book for sure and come back to you. But the isolation, angst, pain and loneliness are just as real.
  • I relate so much to this. I really do. I just wanted to say that.
  • Its sadden me to see you suffering but don't give up.
    My 14 years old grandson is having a rough time.So much detailing his problems. He don't understand how to use coping skills. Right now he has to live away from me locked up instead of long-term treatment. He has dual diagnoses. ADHD. Bipolar PTSD. AUTISM SPECTRUM. EXPLOSIVE MOOD DISORDER. I AM BROKEN INSIDE AS A GRAND MOM FOR MY GRANDSON. SENDING PRAYERS❤
  • Its sadden me to see you suffering but don't give up.
    My 14 years old grandson is having a rough time.So much detailing his problems. He don't understand how to use coping skills. Right now he has to live away from me locked up instead of long-term treatment. He has dual diagnoses. ADHD. Bipolar PTSD. AUTISM SPECTRUM. EXPLOSIVE MOOD DISORDER. I AM BROKEN INSIDE AS A GRAND MOM FOR MY GRANDSON. SENDING PRAYERS❤
  • Its sadden me to see you suffering but don't give up.

    My 14 years old grandson is having a rough time.So much detailing his problems. He don't understand how to use coping skills. Right now he has to live away from me locked up instead of long-term treatment.  He has dual diagnoses. ADHD.  Bipolar PTSD.  AUTISM SPECTRUM. EXPLOSIVE MOOD DISORDER. I AM BROKEN INSIDE AS A GRAND MOM FOR MY GRANDSON.    SENDING PRAYERS❤

  • I too understand the feeling of all the pieces falling into place! Once we had a diagnosis everything just seemed to make sense.

    That said, it doesn't necessarily make things any easier. I am going through now what you went through and although you posted a while ago I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

    I hope you are doing ok.
  • I too understand the feeling of all the pieces falling into place! Once we had a diagnosis everything just seemed to make sense.

    That said, it doesn't necessarily make things any easier. I am going through now what you went through and although you posted a while ago I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

    I hope you are doing ok.