I'm very new to this group, I literally just and this is my first post.
When I first married my husband I had no idea he had Asperger’s but I knew something was a-miss with him, I just figured we could eventually work it out. Now I’m 11 years into this marriage, we have kids and it seems to be getting worse instead of better. It was my mother-in-law who is my husband’s step mother that told me that he has Asperger’s. She said he was diagnosed in HS but his father never told him that he was an Aspi. Consequently he doesn’t believe anything is wrong on his part and as far as I know he has never bothered to look into what Asperger’s is.
He has all the classic symptoms: Can’t give eye contact, emotionally immature, any criticism, concern or correction turns into a battle as if he was being attacked by an army of dragons out to take his life and I’m the queen leader of the dragons. We can’t communicate normally about anything…ever! He keeps information from me, big stuff and minor stuff, all of it. It gets in the way of raising our children, finances, everything, right down to the groceries!! There is no intimate conversation between a husband and wife, no hugs unless instigated by me and even then it feels empty. No conflict resolution or discussion after the air settles from a fight which can take days or weeks just for the air to settle. We can’t go to a traditional marriage therapist who doesn’t understand the dynamic in a AS/NT relationship and I can’t seem to find one that specializes in it.
I’m at my wits end and don’t know where to turn for help. I’m not interested in walking out the door and blowing my family up because I’m angry or sad. I don’t believe in making life altering decisions in the height of an emotional outburst. I know that I haven’t looked hard enough for help, which is what brought me to this site in the first place. I wish I could find a support group that I can go to physically as well as online but can’t seem to find any in the Phoenix area. But again, maybe I’m not looking hard enough.
I just need some input and help because I don’t know how to navigate these waters. I need other women and men who are in the same position to give me some insight. I need other Aspi’s to teach me how to get out of this place of stuck with my Aspi husband. I don’t need or want negative input, I have enough of that in my head already and certainly don’t need someone else’s negative input to fill more space. It’s heavy and it doesn’t feel good. So please, if you have something constructive to say, teach or a similar situation, I’m all ears and desperately seeking a marriage that has the potential of moving powerfully forward.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I’m grateful to have found this site as I have been asking the universe for help in a big way.
In reply to Carol Horton:
Hi there! I know this post is old but I just joined and saw this! I’ve been married to my husband for 25 years, and from the sounds of this...you are describing MY husband too! It’s a very exhausting, disturbing, lonely, and hard existence living with these Aspergers husbands! Everything you said is TRUE, and Lauren Gilbert’s responses are nonsense. She obviously has NO IDEA what it’s like! I could write a book! They DO NOT know how to communicate. My husband cannot even make phone calls to solve problems. He can’t call insurance companies, the bank, make Dr appointments, or take care of ANY business, financial or any other kind! We have NEVER in our entire marriage had a meaningful conversation. We have driven for HOURS together in the car, and my husband doesn’t talk. We eat meals together, and he has never talked then.
We have a son with autism, that I have basically raised on my own. I have done ALL of the research to find him therapy, the best classrooms, doctors, specialists, devices for speech...all while my husband obsessed with his cars and car races over the years!
NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING changes them!
I have tried to talk to him from the beginning (before I realized something was off). “Why don’t you talk more? Why dont you discuss our son with my? Why aren’t you heartbroken about his diagnosis, like I am?
Can’t you skip going to the car races this week to spend time with us?
They only see life ONE way...THEIR way! They do not understand empathy. I have NEVER seen my husband cry in all of the years I’ve known him!
I take care of EVERYTHING! No exaggeration! It is a very lonely life with a spouse in the house.
He uses the SAME bowl to eat every meal, the SAME cup. Smothers everything he eats with hot sauce. I can spend 2 hours making a nice meal, and he will pour hot sauce all over it!
I have to remind him to change clothes or he would wear the same clothes every day. He will not buy new clothes. Has worn the same clothes for years. I finally threw them out and bought him new ones.
It is SO EXHAUSTING for me, because I take care of our son, too.
There is another website that I found, and it was a saving grace for me because all of the wives were in the same position that I am in! I knew then, that I wasn’t the crazy one! Their stories are sad and they will make you cry. I will get the link if anyone wants it.
Lauren Gilbert needs to read it. She is clueless about the TRUTH with these husbands. I cry many days and want to escape, but it’s not that easy financially.
In reply to stephanieyanharrison:
Autism is genetic. We have a 19 year old son with autism, and he is non-verbal. My husband and I have been married for 25 years, but I did not realize my husband was Aspergers for a long time. There were red flags when I think back about all of thej strange little “quirks” that made me nstop for a few seconds and think “wait, that is weird, but kind of childlike and refreshing!” At First, I thought that way...because I had come out of a marriage where my first husband was very controlling and emotionally abusive. So in the beginning, this one was completely different, encouraging me to go do things...only to figure out later that it was his way of being left alone to his obsessions of cars and going to his car races! Lol!
Anyway, when our son came along, I was so preoccupied with him and his care, that I didn’t have time to notice all the increasing strange habits, obsessions, and robotic routines. Until our son got older and didn’t need me quite as much, then I was shocked at my husband’s behavior...to the point that it makes me really sad.
He never talked much about his family, never seemed to know much about his relatives...but when I would be around them, I started to take notice of possible signs of more Aspergers in the family! I never regret having my son...but if I knew then (about autism & Aspergers in that family), I would have run the other way!!!