Wife with a Aspi husband - This is SO hard!!

Hi all,

I'm very new to this group, I literally just and this is my first post.

When I first married my husband I had no idea he had Asperger’s but I knew something was a-miss with him, I just figured we could eventually work it out. Now I’m 11 years into this marriage, we have kids and it seems to be getting worse instead of better.  It was my mother-in-law who is my husband’s step mother that told me that he has Asperger’s. She said he was diagnosed in HS but his father never told him that he was an Aspi. Consequently he doesn’t believe anything is wrong on his part and as far as I know he has never bothered to look into what Asperger’s is.

He has all the classic symptoms: Can’t give eye contact, emotionally immature, any criticism, concern or correction turns into a battle as if he was being attacked by an army of dragons out to take his life and I’m the queen leader of the dragons. We can’t communicate normally about anything…ever! He keeps information from me, big stuff and minor stuff, all of it. It gets in the way of raising our children, finances, everything, right down to the groceries!!  There is no intimate conversation between a husband and wife, no hugs unless instigated by me and even then it feels empty. No conflict resolution or discussion after the air settles from a fight which can take days or weeks just for the air to settle. We can’t go to a traditional marriage therapist who doesn’t understand the dynamic in a AS/NT relationship and I can’t seem to find one that specializes in it.

I’m at my wits end and don’t know where to turn for help. I’m not interested in walking out the door and blowing my family up because I’m angry or sad. I don’t believe in making life altering decisions in the height of an emotional outburst.  I know that I haven’t looked hard enough for help, which is what brought me to this site in the first place. I wish I could find a support group that I can go to physically as well as online but can’t seem to find any in the Phoenix area. But again, maybe I’m not looking hard enough.

I just need some input and help because I don’t know how to navigate these waters. I need other women and men who are in the same position to give me some insight. I need other Aspi’s to teach me how to get out of this place of stuck with my Aspi husband. I don’t need or want negative input, I have enough of that in my head already and certainly don’t need someone else’s negative input to fill more space. It’s heavy and it doesn’t feel good. So please, if you have something constructive to say, teach or a similar situation, I’m all ears and desperately seeking a marriage that has the potential of moving powerfully forward.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I’m grateful to have found this site as I have been asking the universe for help in a big way.

  • I went in search of a solution for my problem when My husband wants to break up with me. we have been through a lot, he has cheated on me several times, he met a girl at his work place and thinks he is in love with her, he told me he wanted out, for me I don't because I still loved him I know this must sound stupid but never wanted him go. I tried to make him stay but everything went wrong, I loved him so much but he refused to change his mind, i waited for him to come his senses but nothing worked so i had to contact a spell caster for help because i knew that will be the best solution, then i contacted dr.mac@yahoo. com to help me to unite i and my lover and finally i came to the spot of getting him back which was awesome, my husband came back home, It felt good to have my lover back, !!!!
  • Hi. I know it's been awhile since you posted this, but I have only recently realized that I am slightly austistic. What helped me realize this was when my wife and I started our ranch a few years ago. I wondered why it was so much easier for me to understand cows instead of people. Then I watched videos on Temple Grandin, and her stories of having to spend time in a squeeze chute in college to calm herself down. My traits are not that severe, but I have a long trail of relationship issues and challenges that I have never understood. One of them is reacting to situations (particularly when I'm feeling attacked) in what to me is perfectly normal - and then when I'm calmed down, being amazed at the reactions of others. I can't tell you how many times I've heard this "didn't you hear yourself yelling????". No, I didn't. One thing that has helped me is the awareness of others that my reactions are not voluntary, they are automatic and uncontrolled. While I can't be protected from everything, it is helpful when my wife sees a situation that she knows might get me wound up, and talks to me about it so I can try and handle it. That helps so much more than when I'm reminded after the fact on how I screwed something up. Our hearts are good, we are just wired differently and we react differently. I'm 61 years old, and I'm finally figuring out how to control things better. Understanding and support is very helpful. Hope this helps.
  • Hi. I know it's been awhile since you posted this, but I have only recently realized that I am slightly austistic. What helped me realize this was when my wife and I started our ranch a few years ago. I wondered why it was so much easier for me to understand cows instead of people. Then I watched videos on Temple Grandin, and her stories of having to spend time in a squeeze chute in college to calm herself down. My traits are not that severe, but I have a long trail of relationship issues and challenges that I have never understood. One of them is reacting to situations (particularly when I'm feeling attacked) in what to me is perfectly normal - and then when I'm calmed down, being amazed at the reactions of others. I can't tell you how many times I've heard this "didn't you hear yourself yelling????". No, I didn't. One thing that has helped me is the awareness of others that my reactions are not voluntary, they are automatic and uncontrolled. While I can't be protected from everything, it is helpful when my wife sees a situation that she knows might get me wound up, and talks to me about it so I can try and handle it. That helps so much more than when I'm reminded after the fact on how I screwed something up. Our hearts are good, we are just wired differently and we react differently. I'm 61 years old, and I'm finally figuring out how to control things better. Understanding and support is very helpful. Hope this helps.
  • Hi. I know it's been awhile since you posted this, but I have only recently realized that I am slightly austistic. What helped me realize this was when my wife and I started our ranch a few years ago. I wondered why it was so much easier for me to understand cows instead of people. Then I watched videos on Temple Grandin, and her stories of having to spend time in a squeeze chute in college to calm herself down. My traits are not that severe, but I have a long trail of relationship issues and challenges that I have never understood. One of them is reacting to situations (particularly when I'm feeling attacked) in what to me is perfectly normal - and then when I'm calmed down, being amazed at the reactions of others. I can't tell you how many times I've heard this "didn't you hear yourself yelling????". No, I didn't. One thing that has helped me is the awareness of others that my reactions are not voluntary, they are automatic and uncontrolled. While I can't be protected from everything, it is helpful when my wife sees a situation that she knows might get me wound up, and talks to me about it so I can try and handle it. That helps so much more than when I'm reminded after the fact on how I screwed something up. Our hearts are good, we are just wired differently and we react differently. I'm 61 years old, and I'm finally figuring out how to control things better. Understanding and support is very helpful. Hope this helps.
  • It is extremely difficult! I too share in this situation with you in many many ways. I love my husband but always consider the door to the way out but choose not too. We have 2 boys together and, like you, I have an amazing relationship with them both. Unfortunately they do not have the same with their father. It breaks my heart but that's only something he can change. Instead of mirroring everything you are already experiencing I'm going to be proactive and share what has helped me and my family.
    1. I let him know how I feel on a daily/ weekly basis GOOD and bad and indifferent in a text or writing a note. It takes him time to digest everything. He seems to always realize what his behavior was/is for the week/day and then thereafter talks to me about it. GOOD or bad - honestly that is the key. No matter how upset, angry, out of sorts I am I do what I need to overcome the anger so it doesn't effect my kids - it effects the kids whether we want to believe it or not, they feel it more than we do.
    2. I try to reflect on US, just him and I monthly grabbing a photo album of our wedding or our honeymoon or pictures of when our boys were born, and other past memorable moments. It seems to calm him (and me) of what we had/ have together.
    3. On the flipside, I'm high strung, don't like clutter, and always on the go which is overwhelming for him. I have to stop myself ALOT. However I stop and focus on the things he likes to do and talk about those things, he goes on and on and on... It so helps to make some things about him in the good... not just the bad and the ugly. I watch shows/ movies he wants to watch even though I can't stand them... since doing this he's realized and acknowledges that 'you don't like these kinds of shows, let's watch something we both enjoy'. This took time.
    4. Touch is sooo important and is a vital part of our marriage. I'm not referring to sex here, sure that's a fix for the moment but not over time. I'm referring holding his hand while sitting watching tv, in the car, or while shopping, walking from/to the car. My husband loves having his hands scratched gently with my fingernails. While he's working on his laptop or reading the newspaper I give him a neck and shoulder massage. It seems like alot but really isn't . He has even started reciprocating on his own at other times.
    I often ask 'where's the marriage manual they forgot to give us?' Marriage is not easy, never is or has been for many in present or past from talking with many. ALWAYS remember it could be so much worse. Be thankful there's no abuse, even though it may feel like it verbally. Breathe. I look at my boys and realize how blessed I am and how blessed they are to have both of us. He is a great dad to them, but feel he's missing out on some things but that's where I realize I have to stop. He's really a great husband. Even though there are times I feel like I'm just a roommate, maid or anything but his wife these tools I've shared have helped. It's NOT EASY by any means, however, it was a lot more difficult beforenot knowing what to do that now it's less difficult. I'm not going to lie, it can still be extremely frustrating and you have to find what helps you get through it. For me, I work out or do something with my kids or bake - I focus on me and my boys.
    I wish you happiness and the best. I realized in the middle of typing this was posted over a year ago and hope this isn't too late. Sometimes it helps knowing you're not the only one in this situation and at the same time wish/ hope nobody else is experiencing something like this. Just remember, it takes two and sometimes when it feels like we're three ones doing it all sometimes the other person feels the same way. It's difficult to explain but I know you know exactly what I mean.
  • Hi my name is Kevin I stumbled on this video and made me more convinced to try it...I just wanna share it not to encourage you to try but to believe we still have hope.
    www.facebook.com/.../
    http://bit.ly/2yGL4g7
  • Hi my name is Kevin I stumbled on this video and made me more convinced to try it...I just wanna share it not to encourage you to try but to believe we still have hope.
    www.facebook.com/.../
    http://bit.ly/2yGL4g7
  • Hi my name is Kevin I stumbled on this video and made me more convinced to try it...I just wanna share it not to encourage you to try but to believe we still have hope.
    www.facebook.com/.../
    http://bit.ly/2yGL4g7
  • Hi my name is Kevin I stumbled on this video and made me more convinced to try it...I just wanna share it not to encourage you to try but to believe we still have hope.
    www.facebook.com/.../
    http://bit.ly/2yGL4g7