Parent having hard time living with adult aspergers/adhd son

Is anyone else having a hard time coping with living with their adult child? My son is almost 24, and he is very difficult to live with. He has been diagnosed with adhd and aspergers. I'm not sure about the aspergers...I see him with more of "Oppositional Defiant Disorder", with a dash of aspergers. My husband has a little of this same thing...so they have a lot of trouble communicating. I am in the middle. The situation between my son and my husband, and my son and myself is very exhausting and it is affecting my husband and my health and our marriage, and the younger brother. We are looking for a place, or ideas on how to set our son up to live independently. So back to the main question...is anyone else living with an adult child and having trouble? We do love him....just can't live together.
  • I have a 26 year old daughter living at home. I think the best thing you can do is keep searching the internet for ideas, it's full of stuff you've never heard of. Google full speed ahead!
  • Could you build on for him ? And maybe try to encourage him to find a girlfriend, live in mothering girlfriends saved the day for me with my boy. I was lucky, the universe sent one of those along for us a bit too early but it worked all the same.
  • An efficincy apartment, college dormroom , rent a room or trailerhome nearby, somewhere you can be nearby for lots of visits?
  • This is such an important topic that I hope we can kee p it going and share idea with each other . I have a 25 year old daughter that I want to help live independantly and have done lots of research on what's available which greatly depends on the income , support , and level of function indivdually . Right now I guess home is the best option for us .
  • My partner and I both have Aspergers and we have an Autie friend over very couple of weeks for four days or so as a break away from family (he is fourth). I have always like the idea of a group home where people on the spectrum can look after each other with minimal outside assistance..but of course there has to be some monitoring. I wish we had larger home to offer more...maybe one day. Looking at the possibility of living withnothers on the spectrum may be a good option of families for their Aspie or Autie sons/daughters who are ok with the idea..or even for stay overs. Sorry for any typos as iPad has predictive text ANC don't always catch it's rotten corrections!
  • Hi, Sharon, I am the step-son of 18-year-old Aspergers/Adhd/Opposional Defiance boy. Our marriage reached seeking divorce over even weekend visits 2/3 times per month. We stopped the divorce proceedings and I have done the following to cope: I no longer stay in the house when my husband's son is present. I do other things, take my stepdaughter to a movie, baby-sit my granddaughter, etc., come home late at night until the weekend is over. I rarely see him unless I have to and then keep it mostly cordial. This has saved my marriage and my sanity. I believe you are right to seek another living place for your son. I'm fearful of one thing, that my husband, who caters to his boy, is very lenient, I think confuses love for letting him do anything he wants at all times, will try to move him into our home. That will be not remotely possible for me. My bottom line is, that I am never alone in the house with him. He has an out-of-control temper which I find menacing and I feel unsafe.My husband is supportive of my taking off. And I can let him parent his son the way he wants to, whether I agree or not The tension is much less than it used to be. This way, I can focus on my marriage, we can be a couple separate from the problems of Aspergers. Good luck. Shelley
  • It's nice to meet you all. And Thank you so much for your input. In an article I read on this topic, it was said that the first step is to envision "dream" the perfect setting for your child. My son, can cook, knows how to ride the bus (license suspended-forgetting about a ticket). He has to have a project...like fixing a car...or have a friend over or he will just live on the couch. So in his ideal setting, he would need a small house, with a garage as a workshop. He would need a person (not me) to come in once a week to clean...or show him how to clean...and keep after him about it. (He rarely puts anything away that he gets out...will let dishes pile up, food left out etc.) He would need a bike and be willing to ride it. He would need someone to help/show/remind how to pay bills. (It can't be me--doesn't work).

    He moved out for a couple of months once before but got mad at the landlord, and spent most of the time at our house. He gets upset with employers also, therefore has trouble keeping a job. He's currently on Social Security (we were very fortunate to qualify) He is a med-marajuana patient. Just a small bit of weed helps him a lot. (although we prefer he try something else...but that is not going to happen.) Wherever he lives, he must be able to take his "med". He has a few friends--not on the spectrum--but they still live at home with parents. Thanks for listening. I'll be searching the internet making calls. He doesn't know that I'm looking for a place for him. I'll keep you posted as to my progress.
  • Shelley, It sounds like you are a wise person. I'm glad that you've found a way to cope and to keep your marriage intact. You are an inspiration.
  • shelley having aspergers is not all problems and sorry to say this but it sounds like your being very very unfair before i continue i would like to tell you that if im sounding blunt then im sorry but woah you married this man dont that mean you take on his children to? and TRY to accept his son and TRY to understand him instead of just cutting him outta your life completely this must affect the whole family very much and your step son must feel horrid and very much excluded ,i appreciate he is not your biological child but how can you just cut him out of your life i just dont understand at all .being a parent is a life long thing and as you are his stepmother you have a responsability to be there for him surely? .
    Why cant you spend time with him when your hubby is there to ? and have fun together ,talk ,watch a film ,play a game ? and most importantly of all accept he has aspergers and at least give the kid a chance and try to understand him because i know for a fact all that boy wants is accepting and understanding your the grown up here and should try to bond with him i think thats very important .again i am sorry but you have shocked me completely and this is why i need to ask all this because i simply do not get it xx
  • It is very difficult for those of you whose son or daughter with an ASD is living at home. I am an adult with Aspergers, ADD, NLD and anxiety-NOS. I live on my own and it is incredibily hard, but it can be done. I have a large support group and use it often. Resources are so limited for us adults on the spectrum and sometimes the best advocate is our parents. My diagnosis came later in life, as I am now in my late 30's. The only advice I can give is to be as supportive to your adult child as possible and maybe use a system of chore charts and guides to help him/her make decisions along with the family. I use visual guides in many different things and find it works well.
  • yes i understand it is hard i know that very much but you cant just give up accpetance and understanding is the most important thing and SUPPORT xx
  • My daughter is only 2.5 years old and we are already considering the question what do when she is older? Will she be able to live alone? in a group home? and how do we even financially prepare for her when due to her extensive therapy now we have nothing left over to save? Our daughter is diagnosed with PDD-NOS and we are having an MRI and EEG done in the next month which I believe will show cognitive impairment. We are older parents who adopted later in life so the prospect of her living with us in her 20's will be an issue since we will most likely have health issues of our own by then. One of the hardest things about her diagnosis is worrying about the future and trying to plan.
  • Scott--those sound like good strategies. My son was also diagnosed late...at age 19. You are to be commended for living alone, and being successful at it. You sound like a hard worker.

    Fairy-I like your supportive attitude. I won't give up. It's hard, however, when there is so much strife in the home due to sudden emergencies, arguments, meltdowns, that a parent cannot concentrate or perform their job...the job that must be done to pay the bills and and the rent.

    Amara's Mom--I know. I worry too. There is so much to worry about. But I've heard (and believe) that most of the things we worry about never happen. (and if they do....not quite like we expected) I take comfort in that. I'm not a Bible-thumper, but I do pay attention to the words of Jesus...when he said, '"Don't be anxious. Take one day at a time...tomorrow will worry about itself." Matt 6:34. Just get through one day at a time...doing what you know is best...planning the best way you can. And leave the rest in God's hands...as He loves your daughter immensely.
  • here in the suburb i live in i was suprised to find out that there are almost 12 private group homes run by the families of the residents. ran like a co-op with 4 to 5 families sharing responsibilities of having at least one person there at the house 24-7 to supervise and coordinate.
    my son will be 10 soon and i cant predict the future for him....nor would i want to as my imagination is big enough....but i can imagine this maybe being in his future.
  • Hi, Sharon, Thanks for the support. I understand the tension you are under, and understand how this can effect your marriage. Your husband is having a hard time, too, which I see that you see.
    I'll be thinking of you and pulling for you. This is really tough stuff. Shelley