I'M so confused.

This is Albert white here. 


this post will be about something every personal and accurate, this isn't for clicks and views, this is about my life and i feel it needs to be more confronted on.

now i will keep it real, so this is about my whole sexuality as an autistic young adult. and I've been experiencing at sense like at my tween-hood years.

i didn't even know if i was straight or gay. i've done a lot of things that were a learning point. even during high school. i remember me and my friend who was older than me and we went to the bathroom minding my own business and he called me i another stall and.... i can't give you any more detail but i was very shocked and immediately told my great grandmother and got me suspended. i had to stay home for a few days. i've gotten over it. my family confronted his family in a metting but i was at home cause i didnt want to be a burden. but i felt so scared and messed up because of what he done. but he didn't  rape me, he just went down on me.

these are memories like that can affect people. even if you are Autistic. but my Friend was autistic too. we talked about it later on and forgot about it as he left high school.years later. but later on i did lose my virginity at 20. it's pass consent but better late than never. and then i downloaded a gay site and i started to text some guys and then did some stuff that was wacky. now what position i was, A TOP. and had fun doing it but it can be also dangerous, because i was so young and naive, i thought i knew everything when their was so much to learn. thankfully i didn't get and STD and nothing. because i was prepared with condoms. my family wasn't with the idea that i was doing this but they still loved me anyway. now my auntie's fiance told me about his uncle and how he hated him after he died of AIDS around the 80's, and how that bitterness baffled him. but it's not the 80's anymore, Things are much different now than it was years back.  see, the thing is that i needed to feel more confident on my sexuality. and i will find at way to figure this out 



  • Anything to do with sex is hard for me to get my head around it.

    the one thing i am OK with is I don't care about other people needing to have a certain sexual inclination, gay, straight, bisexual or non sexual is all OK. Hurting others is not ( I don't mean accidentally hurt; that happens but usually not in bed)

    What happened to you, is a lot like what hqas happened to me. Now I've living with i , got counciling on .. well not exactly that but other things that were hard for me to underrstand much less accept.

    I think sex , being at the place were natural urges and social stuff intersect, is something that makes one wonder what is right and wrong and what is neutral. Neutral is when I can say yes or no because it is OK to have sex or not depending on my inclination rather than anythng that might feel either morally wrong or that I'm not feeling right about it because perhaps i feel ill or emotionally confused about something.

    If somerone pushes him or herself on me, I now can say no but orginally I counldn't. We are told not to pay attention to our wants because it is not OK socially and now how do I say no?? just very confusing.

    Also some people will try and dominate a person by forcing sex on them. Not all force is legally rape but it is still dominating the other person by force of will, personality and manipulation. That is why overting saying yes or no can be helpfu to me.

    another situation is being in a situatuion where one person wants to proceed and one is ambivalent ... it's easy to get swept up in another person's passion and just go with it. the lesson for me is , if i'm not yet comfortable with this to got to the toliet to take a moment to think and feel. What do I want to do? Then i know the decison is made by me and not because it seems awkward to say no or I feel bad for someone or even i don't know HOW to say no.

    Also it depends on what sort of world you live in. I seem to be hetrosexual but my family was OK with our gay relatives which is interesting seeing my parents were born in 1911 and1912. I think ASD people have less problem the various fears and hates around someone else's sexuality. just my opinion.

    I think it is good it is not a secret for you since my secrets have caused me a lot of pain. At the same time it would be helpful to find someone trustwworthy to talk to as , When you post on a forum there might be some creep who is homaphobic or just hateful. That is a whole other topic. Who the heck can one tell when no one you know seems right and how the heck does one find the right sort of therapist?

    Sex is confusing and this culture likes to keep it secret so we have no knowledge to work from. I can't change that but i can read books about things that aren't spoken about. I still read books meant for teens on subjects i'm a little afraid about so I won't be overwhelmed by a really heavy topic adult book.

    Peace to you
  • Did my comment get posted?
  • In reply to freewaydog:

    I see that it did not so I will try again: My problem is that I am asexual/aromantic. I get no support on that because there is so much hate against that.